I...I think I'm Gay

There was a point in my life when I questioned my sexual orientation. If you think about it your sexual orientation isn't something that you should question. You should be able to go out be straight, or gay, or bi without worry. You shouldn't have to think about what your sexual preference is. However, thanks to factors such as media, religion, and society we do. Man and Woman, Boy and Girl. They seem to go hand in hand. Or at least that's what we're told. (Almost) Everywhere you turn, you'll see examples of heterosexuality. Take your parents for example. Typically, you'll have a (female) mother and a (male) father. I mean if you didn't odds are you wouldn't be here right now.

Take a commercial or a TV. show. There's usually a male lead or a female lead who's crushing on another character in the show. More often than not the person the person's attracted to is of the opposite gender. Take the following ad for example:

Now I'm not a fan of the Twilight movies but I enjoyed the books (to an extent). The reason I'm using the Breaking Dawn part 2 ad is because it's something most people can relate to as most people have heard about it or seen it. Now take a look at the image, what do you see? Well on the left I see two couples, on the right I see another couple, in the middle I see a couple and a 'lone wolf'. So there are 4 couples portrayed in the ad, 4 heterosexual couples, and a rebel (in case you're unfamiliar with the series, no the guy of the left of the girl in the center is not gay, he just has the bad luck to like a girl (center) who's taken (by the guy on the right of her)). So even now in 2012, with all these gay movements for equality taking place, it's uncommon to find a popular movie in which there is a gay couple in it. 

Back when I was a freshman in high school, maybe it might have been when I was a sophomore, I thought I was gay or bi for a while. Growing up I didn't question my sexuality, there was no need and so I never thought twice about it. Growing up, I would constantly see men with women. Before 8th grade I didn't even know that there were people who like others of the same sex or both sexes. Everywhere I looked I'd see a couple (man and woman) whether it be in my own family (my parents), a movie (The Notebook, Elf, Twilight, etc), or out on the street (random couples). Even in books the main character would be attracted to someone of the opposite gender.

                Along with my loss of innocence and my entry into the 'real' world I lost track of who I was. I wasn't sure who I was anymore. I kept questioning myself. Who am I? What am I? Was I straight? Or was that just something that society, religion and the media had me believing? Growing up I was given this image of what a man and a woman is. A man is often described as being masculine, sexual, strong, powerful, practical, fatherly, intelligent, etc. Lumberjacks and fire fighters are 2 examples that emerge when you put those traits together. Women on the other hand are characterized as being feminine, motherly, soft, nurturing, sensual, affectionate, gentle, loving, etc. Take all those characteristics and put them together and most people will come up with an image of their mom or a motherly figure. 

                In middle school, I remember kids would go around saying stuff like "Dude, that's gay" or "Stop being so queer". Initially I didn't know what those words meant, so I did what most kids would do. Google it. Turns out a gay person, or a queer is someone who is attracted to a member of the same sex. So I looked into things that characterized gay people, one site told me that gay men were extremely feminine, and not as masculine as a 'normal' man. So I took a look at myself. I liked to read, cook, do my friend's (girls) hair, get my nails done, clean my room, etc. I'm an extremely affectionate person and I often 'mother' my friends. I.e. If I'm out partying and I see that someone's in no position to be driving or be left alone, I'll make sure they get home safely. These things that are a part of me made me, things that I embraced (and still embrace now) caused me to doubt my sexual orientation. Why do I like to read? I love reading, I can't explain why, I just do. Why do I like to cook? I like to eat, and I like to feed others. There's just something about taking regular ordinary items and making a scrumptious meal that appeals to me. I also enjoyed getting my nails done (manicures and pedicures) and that was something that was (and is still for the most part) seen as something that only women do. I also like to clean and wash dishes. I don't know why but I find those tasks, which are often associated with mothers, to be calming. I liked to draw and make music. 
                Before 8th grade I didn't really look at girls and go...hmm she's hot, I wanna tap that. Before that I was still at that phase in which girls were still well girls.  But in 8th grade I became attracted to a few girls, had my first crush and 'girl-friend', etc. At the same time due to all the stigma surrounding homosexuality in the media and school I began to question my sexuality. I'm a straightforward person for the straight part and would often compliment people. For example if I saw one of my (male) friends was dressed up nicely I'd be like, "Damn dude, looking good", or if a female friend dressed up, I'd be like, "Damn girl, you look fine". Now my comments about girls were over looked. People would focus on what I said to guys. I mean a guy giving a girl a compliment is considered normal (by the media, society, etc) however a guy compliment a guy isn't. So they'd focus on things that stood apart. Needless to say, I stood apart. As a result, many people assumed I was gay and it got to the point that I was questioning it myself. We have all these stereotypes in our heads. When something doesn't fit the image we question it. I questioned myself.             

                 There were often rude, crass jokes made at my expense. I play the flute and some of the especially means kids would say stuff like, "So I hear you like blowing". 8th grade was not my year, and 8th graders are vicious. I did a lot of "soul searching, trying to figure out who I was. If I was gay or straight. If I were gay how would that affect me, etc. I knew the only way to figure out once and for all was to experiment. So I did. Well it wasn't so much that I went out of my way to experiment but rather that some events took place that led me to the conclusion that I was not gay. I was at a party and a gay guy was hitting on me. It made me uncomfortable and I wasn't feeling it (if that makes sense). However, that same night I was dancing with a girl and I was flirting with her and I realized that I was attracted to her. When the guy was flirting with me I felt awkward, uncomfortable, and wasn't attracted to him. It didn't feel right to me. When I'm with women, it feels right. I knew that I wasn't gay then however due to all the things in the media (and society) about homosexuals I thought that I was. You don't have to have manly characteristics or fit the typical male stereotype to be a heterosexual male. Just so you don't have to fit the feminine stereotype to be a woman. There are many women nowadays that like men but don't want to settle down and pop babies. They don't fit the media's image of what a woman is or should be but that doesn't mean that they're not straight.

                I'm not proud of this but when I realized that I was straight I felt relieved. I'm different from everyone else. For most of my life, I never really fit in everywhere, and I'm sure you know that people that are different, that don't fit in are often times picked on and ostracized. I was picked on and ostracized. If I were gay, that'd just be another thing for people to use against me. Also, after hearing about the death of a few kids who were bullied till they committed suicide I felt relieved that I wouldn't have to deal with that. The things I went through influenced my decisions and perspectives in relationship to homosexuality/heterosexuality. The thing is the media is not fond of homosexuals. After all this time of not (really) having any pro gay media outlets any piece of media that's released that refers to homosexuals is often met with a negative response. The media has influenced us to see that being gay is not something that's normal. We see men with women all the time, whether it be in on the streets, a book, or a movie. We don't see man with another man (as a couple) or woman with another woman (as a couple) too often. They are 'rare' occurrences. If they're rare occurrences, then they aren't the majority, and that means that homosexuality is not normal. But the thing is they're just like us, only unlike the majority of people, they are attracted to members of the same gender. Due to many traits, stereotypes that are associated with homosexuality I thought I was gay for a while, only to realize that not everyone fits the mold made by the media and society. That although I wasn't the epitome of a 'man' I wasn't a 'woman' either I'm just me. Someone who has characteristics from 'both side of the spectrum'. If every fit the mold established by the media, we'd have a (near perfect) world, without war, and famine. A world in which everyone's the same; like Barbie dolls. However, like Barbie dolls (the proportions would not be able to support a woman, same goes for Ken dolls), it's just not feasible. 

Erin Gallagher Josh Pacheco