I'm Not Gay...But My Baby Cousin Is

(My family members would rather their names not be use and so I made sure to refrain from using their names). 

Here's some more background info about my family. In an earlier post, I talked about how I have 2 younger brothers (15 and 7). I also mentioned that there was a time at which my mom thought that my brother (15) was gay and was having a relationship (a non-platonic relationship) with my cousin (16). My mom has 3 sons; my aunt also has 3 sons (16, 12, and 9). Seeing as how we're all boys and we live pretty close to one another we in turn grew up together. Literally. My cousins are over at my house for least 1/2 the year. Before they moved to Buffalo, we had next to no contact with them (my cousins). So when we started hanging out for the first time I was able to pick out certain...discrepancies about my youngest cousin. If I had to describe him I'd say he's a normal kid who just so happens to be gay. I mean I can say that now after knowing him for a solid 4+ years that he's gay. Now I doubt his parents realize that he's gay, truth be told I know that is parents are unaware of it. Although his parents are great people, they grew up in Bangladesh and Pakistan and have little tolerance for homosexuals. Personally, I think that once he tells them, they'll accept him for who he really is after the initial drama passes. 

So I said that I know that my little cousin (9) is gay but I haven't really explain how I can say something like that confidently. So growing up, my baby cousin was constantly smacking other guys asses and grabbing our junk. We've had to drill it into him that it's not okay to smack other guy's ass or grab their junk. When he's with girls he's really calm and serene for the most part. When he's with other guys he's like a regular 9 year old kid. But every now and again he does something that'll make a kid/guy feel awkward. For example, if he knows someone (a guy) is in the bathroom he'll try to walk in on them. I remember telling him that it's not okay to walk in on someone taking a leak or a dump. Those are all minor stuff though. One day he reached out and smacked my ass and I reacted a little harshly. I said something along the lines on, "What the fuck dude. Stop being so fucking gay all the time. I don't care if you're gay but stop smacking my ass, my brother's asses, and the asses of other kids. It's not okay to grab our junk either. Unless someone's okay with you doing that don't do it"! After that little outburst I walked out of the room and went into my room. On my way out I hear my cousin say, "How's he know that I'm gay?" My brother walks into my room a little while later saying, "You won't believe what I just heard". He told me what my little cousin had said and I told him that I heard him say it as I was walking out. He'd also told my brother that kids at school had made fun of him about it and that they told him that if grabs other guys' junk and trunk that they'd think that he wasn't gay. I don't know about you but those are some sadistic 9 year olds. I'm surprised that they even know what a gay person is! 

               After that event, I grabbed my brother (15) and cousin (16) and told them that we needed to talk to my cousin's youngest brother and explain some stuff to him and find out why he thinks he's gay. I also told them that if he actually is gay, or believes that he's gay that we need to let him know that we still love him and that that won't change. So we grabbed my baby cousin, sat him down and had a long talk with him. He was afraid of what we would say when we sat down to talk. When he (inadvertently) told us that he was gay, he gave us the power to take that trust and destroy him. He asked us, "Do you think I want to be gay? Do you think I want to be different? I'm not like most of my friends. I'm gay. If I knew how not to be gay, I wouldn't be gay. But I don't know how. I tried...but I just can't. I want to be straight, I was to like girls but I like other guys. I'm gay." 
               He gave us a position of authority over him. It’s similar to what Lauren Smith talks about in her article: Staging the Self: Queer Theory in the Composition Classroom. It talks about how whenever we give others something to judge us by we’re putting them in a position of authority over us. We’re giving them the power to hurt us. It’s important that whenever you’re given such a position to not abuse the power that you have been entrusted with. I found the most telling quote in the piece to be Butler's which essentially states that there is some form of identity struggle inside of everyone regardless of whether or not it (the conflict) is immediately apparent. It goes on to say that evaluating this identity crisis is a necessary endeavor. The metaphor of 'the closet' (in the closet/out of the closet) works well here because it's often related to homosexuality. The metaphor of the closet is usually seen as a product of heterosexuality that singles out homosexuality however at the same time it can also be used to deal with an implicit vs explicit method of teaching and learning. 

             Turns out my baby cousin had a boyfriend... My brother, cousin and I were shocked. How does a 9 year old figure out that he's gay and already have a boyfriend? Truth be told, he's a really smart kid. Before we sat him down and talked to him, he was constantly on edge and would blow off at someone over minor things. For example, if someone bumped into him, he'd flip out. After we talked to him, it was almost like he was a different person. He was a lot calmer. He didn't go around molesting other guys. He acted the way (I think a) 9 year old should act. He broke up with his old boyfriend recently and was torn about it, but we told him that one day he would meet someone even better. That he'll find someone who'll be perfect for him down the road. Unfortunately, he took that literally, and grilled me to figure out who on my block was around his age and gay. After explain it to him better, he looked at me suspiciously and was like are you sure? After assuring him that I was he said, "Okay, but if you're wrong I'm gonna kill you". It broke my heart to see that he had very little trust for others. I mean after the little prank the kids in his grade pulled on him I'm not surprised. He's doing a lot better now know that he doesn't have to keep looking over his shoulder to see if his secret's out. The burden that he was carrying on his small shoulders is a burden that no one should carry. When he released his pent up frustration (I'm referring to his outburst when my brother, cousin and I sat him down) we were all rendered speechless. We didn't know that he was dealing with all the things that he was dealing with. Just to imagine what he went through. The soul searching that he went through, how he tried to be straight but kept 'failing' because we have this image, these stereotypes of what is and isn't acceptable.

              I found his situation to be similar to that in 1984. In 1984 the citizens constantly had someone watching over them. That affected their decisions and action. Just so, my cousin was given this image of what happens to homosexuals, and how they're treated and he was afraid of what would happen if his secret became known. He was constantly looking over his back to see if anyone was watching what he was doing, if anyone had discovered his secret. Now that we sat him down, told him to forget everything he thinks he knows about homosexuals, and told him to just be himself and not worry about what others might say, he's changed (in a positive way). We told him that if he's happy when he's with another guy then he should go for it. If he likes guys, it doesn't bother us, and that we'll be there for him always. That even if his parents and mine go ape shit over it, his other brothers and cousins will be there for him. I think that just knowing that there are people out there who respects and loves him for who is made a huge difference for him. 

                He's different, so what? We're all different. Although, we (my cousin, brother and I) were initially skeptical about my baby cousin's declaration that he was gay, we came to the conclusion that he was in truth gay, or at least thinks he's gay. Personally, I don't think he's a confused little boy who thinks he's confused. After talking to him and seeing the determination, conviction, fear, and longing on his face, I can proudly say that he's gay. Nothing has changed between us, except that he now controls himself (by not going around molesting guys) better as he doesn't feel like a fugitive; he's a calmer, happier person as a result. The media and society gives us this image of what's okay and not okay. This image of normalcy that's given to us by the media is embedded into our minds. The media's influence on us is so strong that we're afraid to be different. We're afraid of how others will react to our difference. We're afraid of what will happen to us due to our differences. Not only has the media influenced how we (heterosexuals) view homosexuals but also how homosexuals view themselves. Growing up they've see how difference isn't tolerated. That if you're not relatively 'normal' then you were ostracized. Now they realize that unlike other people, they are attracted to members of the same gender? That's something that's as far from normal as possible (according to religion, society, and the media). Homosexuals not only have to deal with how heterosexuals view them but also how they view themselves. I mean for the most part, they themselves have grown up with this image of normalcy engraved in their minds. Then they realize that they are not going to ever fit that image because their different. We need to reach out to them (homosexuals) let them know that it's okay to be different. That we are all different, and that it's our differences that make us unique, that make us individuals. That it's okay to not what the media, society, and religion think is normal because there are only a handful of people (if even that many) that fit the image of 'normalcy' perfectly.